I had a miscarriage.
While my blog is about personal finance, this was a life experience that I feel like I need to share. To remember my baby, for my own personal healing, and maybe, to help someone who may be going through the same thing. Unfortunately, miscarriage is common, yet such a taboo subject to talk about. I’d like for that to change.
This post could be triggering if you’ve experienced a miscarriage.
Trying To Conceive Journey
In the spring of 2018, my husband Jacob, and I had been married for almost 3 years. I was 23 and he was 26. We knew that we wanted to have kids, and our desire was to start trying after we went to Hawaii together in May.
When we got back from our trip, though, we realized that having a baby right now wouldn’t make sense for us financially. We were living in an apartment and wanted to have a house someday soon. And being the budget nerd that I am, I made a mock budget for if we had a baby. I quickly realized that having either myself stay home or pay for full time day care would leave us with more necessary expenses than income each month. Even though we were debt-free. My heart was shattered. I so longed to be a mom, yet we just couldn’t afford it.
So we decided to book a trip. Something reasonably priced and something to look forward to in coming months. So we booked a trip to Disneyland for a long weekend in December. It was always my dream to go to Disneyland at Christmas time.
The next several months were difficult. Being in a season of life where people have babies, it seemed that every time I was on social media, someone was announcing a pregnancy. I wanted to be genuinely happy for all those people, but honestly, sometimes it was hard. Seeing other people get to live out what I had only dreamed was difficult. And hearing conversations of friends who were expecting–talking about symptoms, prepping the nursery–made me feel like an outsider. And I felt like a terrible friend for feeling this way.
But in December 2018, things were looking up. Jacob and I ended up getting promotions on the same day! And my business was also growing. Earlier that summer I was making about $300 a month from my business, but around the new year, I was making closer to $2,000. My goal was to be able to be a work-from-home-mom with my business, so this was becoming more realistic! Things felt better in our finances. We were suddenly making about $35k more annually than we were just 6 months prior. We felt that this was a sign, and that it was a good time to start trying.
I got off the pill in February 2019. I was tracking my cycle with an app and ovulation test strips. My cycle has been regular my whole life. And hearing of friends around me get pregnant the first time, I figured that would be the case for me as well. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. Month after month of trying, waiting to test, and getting my period was emotionally exhausting. And still during that time, it was hard to see all of the pregnancy announcements going up on social media, getting invited to baby showers, and hearing friends talk about their own pregnancy journeys.
Finding Out I Was Pregnant
June 21, 2019
I was 10 days past ovulation and knew that it might be time for me to take a test. Jacob was at work and I had always dreamed of surprising him. I took a test first thing that Friday morning. I used a Target brand knock off test. I actually thought the test was negative. This was our 4th month trying to conceive. I was so upset about it. I threw the test in the trash and sobbed for an hour.
Then, the voice in my head told me to go look again. Maybe there was a line. I went back to the bathroom, dug the test out of the trash can, and saw the faintest line. So faint that Jacob thought I was crazy when he saw later. Haha. I quickly pulled out another test. Still one of the cheap-o Amazon bulk tests. On that one the line looked even darker! I freaked out, got in my car and drove to Target to get real tests. After spending $23 on First Response Early Result and Clear Blue digital tests, I came back home, and took the First Response test. The line was totally visible!! I cried. I was so happy. I took the digital too but it was negative. I knew it was too early.
Over the next couple days, I kept taking more tests to see the line progression. And by Sunday, the line on the First Response test was so dark that I took the digital again. And it was positive! Seeing “pregnant” made it feel so real. March 1, 2020 would have been my due date.
While I knew miscarriage was always a possibility, I never actually thought it would happen to me.
Telling My Husband
Jacob came home from work and I was eager to tell him. I wanted to get it on camera but didn’t want it to be weird. Sometimes on Fridays after work, Jacob films YouTube videos with me. So I decided to set up the surprise like we were filming a YouTube video.
I told him that we’d be doing a Q&A. The first question was a random personal finance question that I had made up. But the second question I asked was “are you excited to be a dad in 8 months?” His jaw dropped. I cried. I showed him the tests and we soaked up every moment. We immediately began dreaming of everything related to having a baby. We thought of names, how we were going to tell our families, and what life will be like when baby is here.
3 Weeks Of Pregnancy
After finding out I was pregnant, we had 3 weeks with our baby. I experienced real symptoms like being extra tired, bloated, insomnia, vivid dreams, irritability, and sore boobs. It was all becoming so real.
On Monday right after I found out, I called my doctor. The receptionist congratulated me and said that the doctor doesn’t see expecting moms until 8-10 weeks. She scheduled me for July 30th (the day after my birthday) which would have been 9.5 weeks. I wanted time to speed up so we could have our first ultrasound and see baby.
We got to tell our families between weeks 4 and 6. I know that’s very early. But my mom is basically an FBI investigator and would know immediately. Haha. We also wanted to be able to tell those very close to us to be able to celebrate this new life, and also to have that support just in case anything did happen. In addition to our families, we also got to tell a few close friends from our church. And I told my co-worker who I share an office with. June to July is the busiest time of year for us and I couldn’t hide that I wasn’t feeling my best during this really busy season.
I even began budgeting for all things baby related. I created a “baby fund” in our budget. We were going to save $700 a month from July until March for baby and medical costs. We also took a look at Jacob’s insurance plan to see how much it was going to cost to add baby and deciding if we should switch from the high deductible plan to the PPO. I’m such a planner. And even though we had several months to figure it all out, I wanted to begin the planning.
I even ordered a pair of maternity leggings and flowy dresses online. And I researched where I should buy maternity jeans and even started researching other baby items that I’d want to add to a registry. Looking back now, I feel so stupid for planning so much and getting so excited in those first few weeks. Yet I’m also thankful that I got to be excited for that little bit of time.
All that to say, the 3 weeks we were pregnant were bliss and excitement. Some nights I couldn’t fall asleep because I just couldn’t believe that this was real life. I’d dream of all the awesome things ahead in this journey. We were so excited.
By July 5th, I was almost 6 weeks and began to feel better. I didn’t have many symptoms anymore. I wasn’t feeling as tired, and the nausea never kicked in. While I considered myself lucky, I wondered in the back of my mind if I should be concerned about the possibility of miscarriage.
The Miscarriage
On Wednesday, July 10th, I was at work. And when I went to the bathroom during the day, I noticed a tiny bit of brown spotting. I have heard that spotting in pregnancy can be normal and since it was brown and not bright red, I wasn’t very concerned. But I called my doctor’s office anyway.
I spoke with a nurse and just asked if it was normal. She said it could be but they don’t know exactly unless I got checked out. Since my first appointment was still 3 weeks away, she said that I should come in for a blood test. The plan was to test my blood on Wednesday, and then test again on Friday. Thankfully, I work almost across the street from my doctor’s office.
I drove over to the office and they got me in really quickly, took some blood, and I was back to work. I honestly didn’t think anything of it. The spotting happened only once when I wiped. It was so minimal. I didn’t think there would be any issues at all.
The next day, July 11th, was the worst day of my life.
That morning at work, I went to the bathroom again and had a tiny bit of brown spotting. Like super tiny. But I still hadn’t heard the results yet from my blood work. I figured it was still the same sort of thing and didn’t call. I went to a meeting that morning and began to feel a little crampy. And as soon as I stood up from the meeting, I felt like I had started my period. I ran to the bathroom to find that my worst nightmare had come true. It was bright red. And there was a lot. I put in a pad and ran outside my office to make a call.
I called the doctor’s office to see if they had my blood work results. The receptionist told me that they didn’t have the results yet. I told her that I was now fully bleeding. She said the nurse would give me a call. I hung up and sobbed outside. I didn’t know what to do. Do I go home? Do I stay here?
I went back to my desk to continue working. Still with tears streaming down my face. Our fiscal year end was June 30th so I had been really busy these last few weeks finishing the year and prepping financial statements for our upcoming audit. I had a lot to do. I sat there trying to make journal entries, but my brain was absolute mush.
Right then I was getting a phone call from the doctor so I got up and ran outside. The nurse was returning my call. She told me that my HCG levels put me at about 5-6 weeks. At this point I was over 6.5 weeks along so that seemed a bit behind. I told her that I’ve basically started my period. She asked me a few more clarifying questions and said that I’m probably having a miscarriage. My heart sank. She began giving me instructions like call if I lose too much blood, and also said that I should probably go home.
I called Jacob. I called my mom. I drove home in silence. Jacob met me at our apartment. I sobbed in his arms. Crying out “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Like this was somehow my fault? I felt so responsible. Was I not eating healthy enough? Was I working out too much? What did I do?
My mom came over and brought me maxi pads. We sobbed in each other’s arms. This would have been her first grandchild.
My sister came over too on her lunch break. We all sat around not knowing what we could do. So my sister prayed for us. We prayed for a miracle. But also knew that even if that didn’t happen, God is still good.
I bled. Honestly, not as much as I thought I would with a miscarriage. The cramping was painful. My head throbbed. I assume due to how much crying I was doing. I couldn’t stop. I laid in bed for the rest of the afternoon and didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t hungry. I wanted to just watch TV, but I was afraid that anything I watched would trigger me to make me feel worse.
After dinner, I got back in bed. My head pounding some more and I felt extremely nauseous. After about an hour of nausea, I ended up throwing up. Then I got ready for bed and went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, I thought that this was all a nightmare. It wasn’t. I was still living it.
On Friday, I went back to the doctor’s office for my second blood draw. I asked if I could get the results later that day but unfortunately, they said no. This was very frustrating to me. I began bleeding on Wednesday yet I wouldn’t get a final result until Monday…
The rest of the weekend was a blur. I didn’t really leave our apartment. Friends and family brought us meals and flowers which was so kind and thoughtful. And while I knew that I was having a miscarriage, there was still a tiny part of me still holding on for hope.
I stayed home from work on Monday and continued to rest. And then I got the phone call. A nurse called to let me know that my levels had gone down. And it seemed that I had experienced a miscarriage. Although I knew this news was coming, it was still so difficult to actually hear. But it’s all part of the grieving and healing process.
Things I’m Learning In This Season
This has by far been the hardest thing we’ve ever gone through. With trying to conceive and suffering a miscarriage. But through it all, there were a few things that I have learned.
I’m Glad We Told Early
I know we told our family and some friends early. But I’m glad we did. I’m thankful that we didn’t have to walk this terrible journey alone. We had friends and family there to support us. We also got to share in the joy of it all early on. Something I’m also grateful for. Any new life should be celebrated. I don’t regret telling these key people this early.
It’s Okay To Take A Step Back
While I still love my friends who are expecting and am excited for them to be in this season, it’s a hard reminder for me. It’s okay to take a little bit of a step back to take care of myself. This might mean sending a gift instead of attending a baby shower.
I Have An Amazing Husband
Well I already knew this one. I’m thankful to not be going through this alone. But instead Jacob and I are in this together. It’s been hard. We celebrated together, dreamed together, and now cry and are grieving together. But I’m thankful that I have someone by my side to do this with.
Things To Say And Not To Say
Whether you have friends who are child-bearing age or you’re walking alongside someone going through miscarriage, here are some things you should and shouldn’t say. While I have gotten some of these questions before, I know that no one meant it in a bad way. So I try to remind myself that and be gracious. But I think it can be helpful to know what to say and what not to say to someone going through infertility or miscarriage.
Do Not Say
“When are you going to have kids?”
Unless you are super close to someone, don’t ask this question. You don’t know what they’re going through. If they’ve been trying and it hasn’t worked out, if they’ve miscarried, or if they long to have kids but it just isn’t the right season for whatever reason. Putting my life out there for the world, I got this question a lot. And it never felt good.
If someone is going through miscarriage…
“You’re still young. You can try again.”
My age doesn’t make this feel any better. Miscarriage still sucks.
“When are you going to try again?”
Right after experiencing miscarriage, I don’t want to think about trying again. I need to just grieve the loss of my baby.
“Well better now than months later.”
A loss at 6 or 7 weeks is still painful.
Things To Say
“I’m so sorry. I know there’s nothing I can do to make this better, but is there anything I can do to help or support you?”
From the people who knew we were expecting, we received an outpouring of love. People reached out wanting to bring us meals or anything we needed. Just having that support meant the world to us.
You don’t have to say anything at all. I know it can be awkward to deal with someone who is grieving a loss of miscarriage. But just being there makes such a difference. Even with a hug. Just an “I’m so sorry” and a hug feels so good.
So far, 2019 has been the hardest, longest year. And we’re only half way through. I never expected that this would happen to me. But I know that God is still good. His plans for us are still good. And I have an incredible support system to get me through.
We will miss our sweet baby that we got to love on for a few weeks. And I know March 1, 2020 will probably be a really hard day. It’s okay for there to not be a good side to look at right now or ever. So we’re taking the time to grieve. I don’t know how I’ll be feeling a week from now, a month from now, or a year later. But I can tell you that I’m still holding onto God’s promises and thankful for my friends and family and their unending support.